A Crowd Surfing Fat Guy…

Is a magnificent sight to see. It’s one of those situations that defies all laws of nature, and shatters all preconceptions one has about possibilities.
Like the little train that could, the crowd watched. As this gentleman (not pictured as he was surprisingly quick.) Stood at the edge of the stage and thought to himself… “I think I can, I think I can…”
While the members of the crowd engulfed by his shadow looked up in horror, thinking quite the opposite… “We hope he doesn’t! We hope he doesn’t…”
With one smooth movement, the massive man took flight. In under a second, his full weight was now on the poor people nearest the stage. Obviously these people weren’t holding him up so he could crowd surf, they were trying to stop him from crushing them. They managed to carry him for about 5 feet, and proceeded to put him down kindly on his face.

I love a good punk rock show.
Here’s Less Than Jake rockin’ out. (Sorry I didn’t get the fat man flying. But it wasn’t from lack of effort.)

Dave2Go

Facial hair is a privilege

Total cost of products - $67.00, Time spent in preparation - 3 hours, Being able to hold 4 beers in your beard - Priceless

    It can be shaved if you disrespect the rules and regulations of the brothers of the beard. You hear me, sideburns going across your cheeks, ending in a point near your nose guys?!? Or anyone with lines in your otherwise flawless beard, not caused by the act of shaving whilst hungover, or fellated.   

    If you think your facial fuzz falls outside of the rules and regulations, be careful. Your bros may have read up on the rules. If they have, and find you guilty of having unfit bristles, you may end up at the end of a straight razor after eight shots or so. That is the appropriate measure to be taken afterall. Be careful out there, it can get pretty hairy.

    If you still find yourself unsure, or are wanting a change. Check out Hunch for a quick assesment, and facial hair reccomendation.

I bet you’ve never…Hit a stranger with a newspaper.

     So I’m in A&W the other day, already ordered and moved to the side. Mmmm. Sirloin baby burgers, mmmm. But I digress.

   Out of the corner of my eye I spot an older gentleman ordering his food. This is normally nothing out of the ordinary, except this gentleman seemed to have an odd pet. Perched on his right shoulder was something I knew was living, but wasn’t sure what exactly he was carrying around up there. My curiousity peaked enough for me to move in for a closer look. Abandoning my friend behind mid-sentance, I proceeded to cut through everyone in line to get a closer look.

   As I got closer I realized it wasn’t a pet that was perched there, it was a wasp. Not anything to worry about really, but still, I didn’t want to see him get stung, especially if he turned out to be alergic. Also not wanting to worry him, or cause a big scene. I walked up to the counter beside him, rolled up a newspaper that was so handily placed by the register, and waited patiently until he was done ordering.

   At this point my friend had already started into the “I don’t know him phase.” She knows me too well and is used to seeing me doing strange things. It also seems that others in the place were curious as to what I was up to. Strangely though, no one else seemed to notice the wasp on this guys shoulder, almost neck now.

   “Excuse me sir,” I say after he has finished ordering.

   “I just need you to hold still for a second while I…”

   I start whacking away at his neck with a rolled up newspaper. I didn’t have time to finish telling him why I am beating him down. It started to crawl down the collar of his shirt as I was trying to warn him. He, the young girl at the counter, and everyone else is now staring at me oddly. I reach in to his collar and pull out the battered wasp, and now everyone gets it. People put down thier phones as they now realize it’s not a police matter at all.

   I’ve never recieved a round of applause for anything in my life. Little did I know my first would be from a crowd at a fast food restaurant, for beating an old man with a newspaper. But hey, I’ll take it. No free burgers for this guy though, what is a hero to do.

Best…Story…Ever!!!

It was the summer of 2000 I believe. I was working as a wine steward at a local resort. One night, a group of us had a few drinks and headed down to the jungle gym to partake in our favorite herbal ritual. This jungle gym was no normal jungle gym, no. It was a wooden monstrosity standing at about 3 stories tall. Overlooking the petting zoo, and the lake. It had rope ladders, bridges, and a lookout. That’s where we were heading.
We scurried up the various rope ladders. Pulling at legs and clothing, trying to loosen each others grips on the ropes. When we made it to the lookout. We perched around the cutout circle that was in the center. Looking down at the web of rope leading to the bottom, we sparked. Our ritual began.
After the ritual had ended. I stood up and lit a cigarette. I then proceeded to the edge to look out over the lake, beyond the petting zoo. But my eyes couldn’t make it past the petting zoo cages. Which held animals such as… Goats, pigs, peacocks, bunnies, ducks, a donkey, a pony, and emus. Yes that’s right, emus! Something caught my eye. Something that didn’t seem right at all.
“What the hell?” I shouted, and followed it up with. “I think the animals are loose guys!”
“quit trippin.” Is what I got back.
“No, seriously guys!” I tried to say it as seriously as I could. But it wasn’t easy given my state of mind, or the situation unfolding in front of me.
Having enough of being laughed at, I pulled one guy from the group over. Pointed him in the direction of the commotion, and defied him not to believe me now.
“Ok he wasn’t joking guys.” He says to the group.
The fun begins. In a matter of minutes we have formulated a plan. 5 of us are going down there, and wrangling these animals. The remaining members will alert the night security.
The plan fell apart quickly. 2 members of the rescue party backed out immediately upon seeing the donkey charging at us. The other group succeeded in their mission to alert night security. However, this only meant the 3 of us that were left now had a bigger audience.
So what we were looking at here, turned out to be a 3 on 3 ballgame. Myself and 2 other guys, not one of us in a state of mind to be doing such things. Versus a large pig, a donkey, and a shetland pony. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
“Who voted?” That was my response, when told that i’ve been voted to be the one manning the gate.
“I don’t remember voting!” I protest. But who am I kidding, I would have volunteered for this position anyway. I can just hide behind the gate if I need to. Or so I think. Upon replacing the gate to its proper position. I realized that the gate, when open, doesn’t close off the pathway the animals have been doing laps on at all. It still has room for an animal to sneek past, or, just enough room for a guy my size to fit into. Dumb luck or what?
I now know what I have to do. With the other 2 at the end of the path, myself at the open gate, with all 3 animals in between. I am the only thing stopping the charging animals from going past the gate. Not on my watch!
“BAHHH!!! BOO!!! GET!!!” Yell my co-wranglers. Stomping and flailing wildly, trying to scare the 3 escapees my way. It works! The pig, having no other choice, gives up and heads to his pen. The donkey follows him in, but decides to stay just inside the cage and see what happens next.
I am now looking down at a miniature pony, head down, galloping full speed ahead towards me. Like the little bastard knows my only weekness is my testicles.
“It’s you and me horse!” I say, as if it were a gun fight in the old west. But I know he’s got my number, and my time is up. I stood there as long as humanly possible, and at the last minute jumped. I jumped as if my future childrens lives depended on it, afterall, they did. The devil horse coasted underneath me. Slowing down immediately upon noticing it was going to miss me and my jewels.
“Holy shit!” I hear from behind me. Now the audience had moved in closer. Not to help, more for a better view.
“Here he comes again!” someone shouts. It seems he had already done his lap and come back for more.
“Ok I’m ready for you this time asshole!” I warned him. It was personal now. He put his head down and charged, taking aim at my genitals.
” I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” Those were the only words I could recall at that moment. Although “Oh shit!” may have been more appropriate. None the less I was determined this time, and it WAS personal.
There I stood, one hand holding the gate open, and the other not covering what it should be. I figured there was no stopping the pain of getting rammed in the bits by a pony. So there I was, eyes covered, about to be rammed in the crotch by a galloping pony. Talk about taking one for the team.
I still don’t know who let the animals out, or what made the pony take pity on me. I only know that when I opened my eyes to see why I could still feel my mid-section. He was causlly strutting into his cage….while the donkey strolled out of it.
This went on for another 45 minutes or so. In went the pony, out came the donkey. In went the donkey, out came the pony. Until finally we had them all back in place and the gate reattached. All I could think of was how thankful I was the emus had not made it to the party, I would not have danced with them.

"What I've learned from T.V don't fail me now!"

Too much?

Always the competitive one, I recently started a photo scavenger hunt with some friends through blackberry messenger. It has proved to be highly entertaining, and a little more challenging than I first expected it would get.
The list has become a weird one indeed. On it, are such things as…
* A brewery
* A cat jumping (while in mid air)
* A darwin fish car accessory
* A dude doing the roger rabbit dance!
* A muppet
* A newfie flag
* A zombie
* Barbie doll, giving ken doll head
* Have a nice day spelled out in alphagetti!!
* Identical twins
Needless to say i’ve been going to town on the list, Knocking off quite a few. I thought i’d share one of the more recent items to be knocked off.
This was harder than it sounded. And what’s more is we decided to do more than what was asked for. It ended up not taking too much work or being that messy. But it could’ve ended much worse.
I’m not gonna call this one over zealous, no. I’d much rather label it as awesome, or well played. But, call it what you will.

What’s in a name?

     Driving home late one night after a frustrating weekend away, I was suddenly overwhelmed by hunger. I decided stop at the next truck / rest stop to fulfill my stomachs wishes. Pulling off the highway I realized that this was not a stop & shop kind of place. There were limited parking spots, most of which were filled with truckers there for the night, a gas station, and a double drive thru McDonalds with no option of going in to order.

     Being too hungry and not knowing where the next rest stop would be, I proceeded to lane number two. This turned out to be the wrong choice. As I sat in lane two, I watched car after car parade through the lineup of lane one, as if they were taunting me, laughing at my choice in fast food drive-thru lanes. My frustration and level of hunger grew. After waiting there for another 15 mins or so not moving anywhere, and still not having even ordered, I decided to change to lane one. This took some fancy maneuvers to do, but luckily I also go by the name of Johnny Maneuvers, so this wasn’t a problem.

     So there I was, at the end of lane one, back where I started more than 20 minutes ago. I started feeling sorry for the poor saps still over in lane two. Why couldn’t they have just upped and followed me to lane one, instead of just letting me leave them like I was Jerry Maguire and they were the people from wherever it was Jerry Maguire worked? “Screw ‘em!” I thought.

     This was lane one, and it definately wasn’t moving as fast as it was when I was watching with awe from lane two. Suddenly lane two started moving again. “BBAAAAAHHHH!!!!” I growl, my stomach joins me. After ten minutes, we’ve moved one car length, the most I’ve moved since starting this “fast food” adventure. On top of that, lane two now seems to be moving at warp speed. I was ready to pull out my maneuvers again and scurry back over to lane two to capitalize on this moment. Nope….Now lane two was backed right up to the highway as people were noticing the cars not moving in lane one, now including me. Damn.

     At this point I figured I could get to the next rest stop, no matter how far away it would be, before my luck would change playing musical drive-thru line-ups. So I started my car and away I went. Or not….Just as I started pulling away to my left. A trucker came in to get some rest, pulling in quickly and parking his big rig in the spot that bordered the left of lane one. I was now blocked. There were cars behind me stuck as well, cars to my right parading through on their way to fast food heaven, and now a two trailered big rig flanking me on the left. So I put on my right turn signal and turned slightly towards lane two. Hoping someone would have pity on me and let me in their glorious line-up. Nope. I had no choice, I was destined to lane one….Crap!

     Time slowed to a crawl, the lights on my dashboard dimmed, I knew that meant my radio had to go off. Now all I could here were the tormenting echoes of  my former lane mates ordering their meals. “Please pull through.”…….FUUUUUCK!!!  I managed to tune this out after 15 minutes or so, and waited another five after that before I got curious, ok Fed up was more like it. So I got out of my car and proceeded to the front of lane one to see what the problem was. It turns out someones brakes were seized and their car couldn’t move, a tow truck had been called but would be a while. I made my way up to the window of lane one anyway, guided by starvation. I talked to the lady at the window and pleaded with her to serve me some food to take back to my car. For some reason she refused, despite my desperate pleas. “Alright then!” I said strongly. (Obviously I’m paraphrasing, what I think I said was…”You bitch!” or something like that.) Then proceeded to walk to the end of lane two, determined to eat. Not sure if anyone is aware of what kind of reaction you get out of people while standing in a busy drive-thru lane, awaiting service. I know I wasn’t. But at this point I could care less how people wanted to look at me, and successfully tuned the majority of comments out. I wanted food!

     Making my way through lane two on foot now, it didn’t take all that long to place my order and finally hear those magic words….”Please pull through.” Before getting to the window though, I noticed the towtruck arriving to get lane one moving again. “Figures” I think to myself. Then I remembered I wasn’t actually in my car sitting in lane two, I was standing here. My car was still holding place in lane one, blocked in, but not for long. Shit. I was still 4 places back from the first window, and 6 from getting my food. I pondered…. ”How is this going to play out?”

     An idea sparked! I just needed to talk to the person behind me and ask them to hold my spot while i pull my car clear of lane one, hopefully into lane two. The unshaven gentleman behind me agrees to hold my place, but not without a price, “For ten bucks” He says. I come back with “What?”  (I’m so clever.) He tells me that he is in a hurry to get somewhere and that he will be holding up the line… At this point I stop listening.  “Here’s your damn money!”  I scowl at him, and run to get my car. “Finally” I’m thinking, “On the home stretch.”

     I couldn’t believe it, finally after costing me double what it should have, a lot of frustration, and an hour and a half of waiting to get “fast” food, I was going to get it. Pulling up to the second window I was proposed with a question that instantly made it all better, and brought a smile to my face. “Is this for here, or to go?”

Dave 2 go